Who wants to grow up?

This growing up thing... is a confusing thing.

This week for the first time, I started looking up apartments. Its weird. Because it's real.
There have been times in the past that I've looked at apartments online, but just for kicks and giggles. Now, its legit. I'm graduating in May and have to get a big girl job and start making it on my own. Tis a scary thought.

In the mean time, I have to make it through this last year of school, which has already been overwhelming in a lot of ways, academically, socially, emotionally... who knew.

Trying to decide on a path to take after graduation is a challenge. Do I move back home? Do I leave Ohio for some time while I have a chance? Do I go for a TOMS internship? Do I settle for something low key around here? Do I work at camp again? Do I move somewhere where I know no one? or do I move somewhere where its comfortable and I know everyone? ahh...

Collision

So, I've had my drivers license for 5 days short of 5.5 years... I'd managed in all that time to avoid any vehicular complications, tickets, accidents, etc. (minus that little mis-hap with that demon rock, but we won't go there...) until last night.

Yesterday was just a cold, rainy, gross Ohio day. Not the most beautiful of fall days, and definitely not my ideal conditions to drive in. So the agenda for the evening consisted of Sam, Stacie, and Sierra going to something for their high school, then afterwards we all would go get some Zencha tea. While they were at their Tree of Life event, I just planned to maybe shop a little, but spend most of my time reading in Barnes & Noble. So, as I drove through the packed out parking lot, I stopped to wait for a car to back out of their pretty prime spot for a Friday night at Polaris. Meanwhile, as I waited patiently, the car that had been in front of me decided that they wanted that spot as well. Rather than give up on it, said car went into reverse. Now, I wasn't really upset about the loss of this great parking spot, so much as I was slightly irritated at the fact that this brand new Honda Civic was coming right at me, not leaving me many options other than to sit there and take it. crrrash. suck. Now, I suppose I could have honked, but I was more so in a state of shock... like "really?? we've driven the entire length of this parking lot with me right behind you, and you missed all of it... "

So a girl about my age, who I would later come to know as Jigna, got out of her car in tears and asked if I was ok. "I'm in so much trouble!" were the words she repeated over and over and over. I hugged her, and told her it was ok, it was just a car and neither of us thankfully were hurt.. I felt worse for her than I did for myself... She wasted an accident on a car like mine that is already held together in part by duct tape. She could have got the biggest bang for her buck doing damage to a slightly more valuable car... ha..

So, we traded information and all that jazz. The mall cop showed up and did his little routine. Eventually, after way too long of standing in the rain, we'd done all we could do for the evening and went our separate ways.

Jigna has been on my mind a lot in the past 16-17 hours. Her fear to tell her father about this accident hurt my heart. It was clear to me that this was going to be a huge ordeal for her relationship with her father to bear. Seeing that something as materialistic as a car was going to bring so much tension between her and her father made me sad. It made me very thankful for the fact that nothing as replaceable as a car could make my parents love me less, but for the fact that my parents see the bigger picture of knowing that things could have been so much worse.

One thing is for sure, Jigna will be in my prayers. I hope that her father will be able to see the bigger picture and have a forgiving heart.

"The Silence isn't so bad.. Til I look at my hands and feel sad... 'Cause the space between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly..."

... that about sums it up today...

And the hits just keep coming...

Every once in a while, one of those days comes along where everything just seems a little out of balance. Seems I've had more of those than I'd like to claim in recent months.

This morning, I received a text simply saying "I don't know if you heard yet but, Dr. Anderson passed away." Now let me just explain a little. I come from a small town of about 400 people. Grew up in a small, rural, tightknit old school that doesn't exactly have all the bells and whistles of some of the newer, bigger, wealthier school districts. Everyone knows everyone... well. Dr. Anderson was one of my several childhood doctors at the local doctors office. And lets be real, all of us in Carroll/Lithopolis region went to the same doctors. Dr. Anderson also went on to be the President of the Bloom Carroll school board when I was in high school. He was always around, never forgot your name, and always encouraging.

April 29, 2006 was my 18th birthday as well as my Senior Prom. Dr. Anderson and his wife chaperoned. My date was especially close with the Anderson family at the time so we spent some time talking with them, and enjoyed the evening. The next morning at church, we all received the news that Dr. Anderson had had a very serious stroke. He would never be the same. The stroke left damage that left him in a wheelchair, unable to do much for himself. He lost a lot of weight and became unrecognizable to all of us. The hardest part of it all was that he was completely mentally stable, but physically incapable of taking care of himself...

I've lost touch with the Anderson's since I've been in college, but the news still hit me real hard this morning. My thoughts and prayers are with the Anderson family...

The hits just keep coming... I can tell I'm getting older, cause it seems impossible to go any length of time without someone getting sick or even dying... I guess its just a matter of the attitude I choose to take with it all. I could lock myself in my room, cry my eyes out, question God's presence in all of this... OR I can take joy in the fact that A)-Yes, my aunt passed away but now she's no longer dealing with the pain and discomfort that she'd given her best effort to fight through... B)-Yes, Paula has leukemia and that SUCKS, but she has kept that beautiful smile on her face through it all and been SUCH an encouragement to every single person that has heard and will hear her story.. AND Remission! Rock on Paula! You're a champ! ... and C)- Dr. Anderson is no longer with us... and the wound is still very fresh... but as unbelievably cheesy as it may be, there's a silver lining to every cloud... People were touched by him and the work he did... And he will not be forgotten...

Hard, weird, out of balance days will always sneak up on me and try and catch me off guard... The best I can do is try and Count it all Joy.. be content..

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall..."

Psalm 55:22

Bittersweet Home...

2 weeks of home...

...the feeling is still quite bittersweet.

Now, don't get me wrong.. I love home and seeing the people I missed so much while I was away..

However, the idea that "the grass is always greener" seems to be pretty true.

While I was away, all I wanted was to be home.

Now that I'm home, I either want to go back down south or rush to school.

In the end, I am thankful.

Well, at around 2:45 a.m. on July 28, 2009, Aunt Cynthia passed...

It is hard. However, I am thankful to know that she's no longer in pain.

I am thankful that she was surrounded by family through this whole ordeal.

I am thankful that I made it home to see her one last time.

I am thankful to know that she is in a much better place.

I am thankful that my family has and will continue to grow together.

I am thankful for the new life that will come in just a few short months.

Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box!

Well, so much for updating during my time at camp :) Not as if I had the time to anyway!

Such an amazing summer.... 

In a nutshell, I:

met 50+ amazing staff members 

made so many new friends

got about a million bug bites

made a ton of bracelets

had dance parties and dance offs

looked nasty every day

was asked if i wanted to play connect the dots with my bug bites

got awesome tan lines

wore 80s workout leggings

walked at least a mile everyday

sat in rocking chair circles with friends

sat in a rocking chair with no one else around

watched real life bears from a mini-van

had a too close encounter with a real life bear while walking at 5:30 am by myself

-jumped over a deck rail

jumped off a cliff

sprinted the length of walmart parking lot just because

dried my hair under a hand dryer

played soccer barefoot

truly enjoyed sitting by myself for the first time

slept on a bed where the springs stabbed my ribs a little...

roadtripped with my best friend

watched lives change everyday

got tighter with Jesus

had awkward conversations with all kinds of people

gave honest answers to awkward questions

got kicked out of a park

ate Zaxby's chicken a LOT

taught kids to play soccer

gained a new perspective about life

learned that people i barely know can care the most

cried a lot

called mom more often

became ok with talking on the phone

won the "most outgoing" superlative

danced on stage a LOT

realized how lucky I truly am.

laughed till it hurt

acted really immature and loved it

missed home and my friends from home

broke a table doing the table clap

got thrown in the pool with my clothes on

danced to no music

drove a golf cart really fast

became more confident in myself

...and so much more...

Today is the first full day I've been home... and its been rough... I'm really missing some people from camp... a lot... It's hard to adjust from seeing people every second of the day to not knowing when you'll see them next-and even harder knowing that they are at least 8 hours away... 

For those of you who are unaware, as amazing as this summer was for me, it was also a really rough time for me to be away from home. During week 2 of camp, I received a text from Tyler telling me that Paula Winkler had been diagnosed with AM Leukemia. Then, on Wednesday of week 3 of camp, I received a voicemail from my mom telling that my Aunt Cynthia (who was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in February) had gone into the hospital and was in critical condition. When I talked my mom the next day, she told me that it would only be a matter of days before my aunt passed away. Obviously, this hit me incredibly hard. For the remainder of camp, I called home almost everyday for updates. Miracles are so real... Today, over 3 weeks later, I got to go see my aunt at the Rehab facility where she's been staying. Things are still very much day to day, and the doctors aren't really sure of what's going to happen next, but I am SO incredibly thankful that Aunt Cindy has been such a trooper and held on this long. I have had so much to be thankful for this summer. Given the circumstances of me not being able to be home, I was surrounded by a wonderful support system of people who were strangers to me at the beginning of the summer. Those strangers came to be some wonderful friends to me who would just hug me, and listen to me, and just let me cry on their shoulders. Now, the goal: not losing contact with some of those people I got closest to... I can't do it... It's not realistic to expect contact with every single person I got close to, however, there's a few people I am not willing to let go of. Here's hoping.