Who wants to grow up?

This growing up thing... is a confusing thing.

This week for the first time, I started looking up apartments. Its weird. Because it's real.
There have been times in the past that I've looked at apartments online, but just for kicks and giggles. Now, its legit. I'm graduating in May and have to get a big girl job and start making it on my own. Tis a scary thought.

In the mean time, I have to make it through this last year of school, which has already been overwhelming in a lot of ways, academically, socially, emotionally... who knew.

Trying to decide on a path to take after graduation is a challenge. Do I move back home? Do I leave Ohio for some time while I have a chance? Do I go for a TOMS internship? Do I settle for something low key around here? Do I work at camp again? Do I move somewhere where I know no one? or do I move somewhere where its comfortable and I know everyone? ahh...

Collision

So, I've had my drivers license for 5 days short of 5.5 years... I'd managed in all that time to avoid any vehicular complications, tickets, accidents, etc. (minus that little mis-hap with that demon rock, but we won't go there...) until last night.

Yesterday was just a cold, rainy, gross Ohio day. Not the most beautiful of fall days, and definitely not my ideal conditions to drive in. So the agenda for the evening consisted of Sam, Stacie, and Sierra going to something for their high school, then afterwards we all would go get some Zencha tea. While they were at their Tree of Life event, I just planned to maybe shop a little, but spend most of my time reading in Barnes & Noble. So, as I drove through the packed out parking lot, I stopped to wait for a car to back out of their pretty prime spot for a Friday night at Polaris. Meanwhile, as I waited patiently, the car that had been in front of me decided that they wanted that spot as well. Rather than give up on it, said car went into reverse. Now, I wasn't really upset about the loss of this great parking spot, so much as I was slightly irritated at the fact that this brand new Honda Civic was coming right at me, not leaving me many options other than to sit there and take it. crrrash. suck. Now, I suppose I could have honked, but I was more so in a state of shock... like "really?? we've driven the entire length of this parking lot with me right behind you, and you missed all of it... "

So a girl about my age, who I would later come to know as Jigna, got out of her car in tears and asked if I was ok. "I'm in so much trouble!" were the words she repeated over and over and over. I hugged her, and told her it was ok, it was just a car and neither of us thankfully were hurt.. I felt worse for her than I did for myself... She wasted an accident on a car like mine that is already held together in part by duct tape. She could have got the biggest bang for her buck doing damage to a slightly more valuable car... ha..

So, we traded information and all that jazz. The mall cop showed up and did his little routine. Eventually, after way too long of standing in the rain, we'd done all we could do for the evening and went our separate ways.

Jigna has been on my mind a lot in the past 16-17 hours. Her fear to tell her father about this accident hurt my heart. It was clear to me that this was going to be a huge ordeal for her relationship with her father to bear. Seeing that something as materialistic as a car was going to bring so much tension between her and her father made me sad. It made me very thankful for the fact that nothing as replaceable as a car could make my parents love me less, but for the fact that my parents see the bigger picture of knowing that things could have been so much worse.

One thing is for sure, Jigna will be in my prayers. I hope that her father will be able to see the bigger picture and have a forgiving heart.

"The Silence isn't so bad.. Til I look at my hands and feel sad... 'Cause the space between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly..."

... that about sums it up today...

And the hits just keep coming...

Every once in a while, one of those days comes along where everything just seems a little out of balance. Seems I've had more of those than I'd like to claim in recent months.

This morning, I received a text simply saying "I don't know if you heard yet but, Dr. Anderson passed away." Now let me just explain a little. I come from a small town of about 400 people. Grew up in a small, rural, tightknit old school that doesn't exactly have all the bells and whistles of some of the newer, bigger, wealthier school districts. Everyone knows everyone... well. Dr. Anderson was one of my several childhood doctors at the local doctors office. And lets be real, all of us in Carroll/Lithopolis region went to the same doctors. Dr. Anderson also went on to be the President of the Bloom Carroll school board when I was in high school. He was always around, never forgot your name, and always encouraging.

April 29, 2006 was my 18th birthday as well as my Senior Prom. Dr. Anderson and his wife chaperoned. My date was especially close with the Anderson family at the time so we spent some time talking with them, and enjoyed the evening. The next morning at church, we all received the news that Dr. Anderson had had a very serious stroke. He would never be the same. The stroke left damage that left him in a wheelchair, unable to do much for himself. He lost a lot of weight and became unrecognizable to all of us. The hardest part of it all was that he was completely mentally stable, but physically incapable of taking care of himself...

I've lost touch with the Anderson's since I've been in college, but the news still hit me real hard this morning. My thoughts and prayers are with the Anderson family...

The hits just keep coming... I can tell I'm getting older, cause it seems impossible to go any length of time without someone getting sick or even dying... I guess its just a matter of the attitude I choose to take with it all. I could lock myself in my room, cry my eyes out, question God's presence in all of this... OR I can take joy in the fact that A)-Yes, my aunt passed away but now she's no longer dealing with the pain and discomfort that she'd given her best effort to fight through... B)-Yes, Paula has leukemia and that SUCKS, but she has kept that beautiful smile on her face through it all and been SUCH an encouragement to every single person that has heard and will hear her story.. AND Remission! Rock on Paula! You're a champ! ... and C)- Dr. Anderson is no longer with us... and the wound is still very fresh... but as unbelievably cheesy as it may be, there's a silver lining to every cloud... People were touched by him and the work he did... And he will not be forgotten...

Hard, weird, out of balance days will always sneak up on me and try and catch me off guard... The best I can do is try and Count it all Joy.. be content..

"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall..."

Psalm 55:22

Bittersweet Home...

2 weeks of home...

...the feeling is still quite bittersweet.

Now, don't get me wrong.. I love home and seeing the people I missed so much while I was away..

However, the idea that "the grass is always greener" seems to be pretty true.

While I was away, all I wanted was to be home.

Now that I'm home, I either want to go back down south or rush to school.

In the end, I am thankful.

Well, at around 2:45 a.m. on July 28, 2009, Aunt Cynthia passed...

It is hard. However, I am thankful to know that she's no longer in pain.

I am thankful that she was surrounded by family through this whole ordeal.

I am thankful that I made it home to see her one last time.

I am thankful to know that she is in a much better place.

I am thankful that my family has and will continue to grow together.

I am thankful for the new life that will come in just a few short months.

Big Fish, Little Fish, Cardboard Box!

Well, so much for updating during my time at camp :) Not as if I had the time to anyway!

Such an amazing summer.... 

In a nutshell, I:

met 50+ amazing staff members 

made so many new friends

got about a million bug bites

made a ton of bracelets

had dance parties and dance offs

looked nasty every day

was asked if i wanted to play connect the dots with my bug bites

got awesome tan lines

wore 80s workout leggings

walked at least a mile everyday

sat in rocking chair circles with friends

sat in a rocking chair with no one else around

watched real life bears from a mini-van

had a too close encounter with a real life bear while walking at 5:30 am by myself

-jumped over a deck rail

jumped off a cliff

sprinted the length of walmart parking lot just because

dried my hair under a hand dryer

played soccer barefoot

truly enjoyed sitting by myself for the first time

slept on a bed where the springs stabbed my ribs a little...

roadtripped with my best friend

watched lives change everyday

got tighter with Jesus

had awkward conversations with all kinds of people

gave honest answers to awkward questions

got kicked out of a park

ate Zaxby's chicken a LOT

taught kids to play soccer

gained a new perspective about life

learned that people i barely know can care the most

cried a lot

called mom more often

became ok with talking on the phone

won the "most outgoing" superlative

danced on stage a LOT

realized how lucky I truly am.

laughed till it hurt

acted really immature and loved it

missed home and my friends from home

broke a table doing the table clap

got thrown in the pool with my clothes on

danced to no music

drove a golf cart really fast

became more confident in myself

...and so much more...

Today is the first full day I've been home... and its been rough... I'm really missing some people from camp... a lot... It's hard to adjust from seeing people every second of the day to not knowing when you'll see them next-and even harder knowing that they are at least 8 hours away... 

For those of you who are unaware, as amazing as this summer was for me, it was also a really rough time for me to be away from home. During week 2 of camp, I received a text from Tyler telling me that Paula Winkler had been diagnosed with AM Leukemia. Then, on Wednesday of week 3 of camp, I received a voicemail from my mom telling that my Aunt Cynthia (who was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in February) had gone into the hospital and was in critical condition. When I talked my mom the next day, she told me that it would only be a matter of days before my aunt passed away. Obviously, this hit me incredibly hard. For the remainder of camp, I called home almost everyday for updates. Miracles are so real... Today, over 3 weeks later, I got to go see my aunt at the Rehab facility where she's been staying. Things are still very much day to day, and the doctors aren't really sure of what's going to happen next, but I am SO incredibly thankful that Aunt Cindy has been such a trooper and held on this long. I have had so much to be thankful for this summer. Given the circumstances of me not being able to be home, I was surrounded by a wonderful support system of people who were strangers to me at the beginning of the summer. Those strangers came to be some wonderful friends to me who would just hug me, and listen to me, and just let me cry on their shoulders. Now, the goal: not losing contact with some of those people I got closest to... I can't do it... It's not realistic to expect contact with every single person I got close to, however, there's a few people I am not willing to let go of. Here's hoping.

This is it! This is it!

Tomorrow at around 4:30 a.m. I will be leaving my beloved Columbus, Ohio for 6 and half weeks with Sam. We'll make the 8 1/2 hour drive to Jasper, GA to work at Camp Grandview. People keep asking me what exactly I'll be doing, what kinds of kids I'll be working with, what kinds of things we'll do for fun--- well, your guess is as good as mine!

I have very few expectations, because I haven't been told much, and that excites me the most!... I'm going into this almost completely blind, with one friend and many more to be made. I'm praying that God will keep my heart pure and intentional this summer when I work with these kids and my fellow staff members. So many doors will be opened to me this summer, and I'm hoping and praying that my heart will be alert enough to take the chances and opportunities that will lead to great things. 

"Be the Change...."

Silver Freckles?!?

As most of you are probably aware, the passenger door on my little Silver Saturn is slightly mangled and held together by mass amounts of gorilla tape and silver spray paint. All of this as a result of one horribly executed right turn onto a very tight street that can be found on UFindlay's campus.

Anyways, the required maintenance of this little mis-hap includes me redoing the tape and paint occasionally... It used to happen every couple months, but now that I've begun to care less and less, the routine has become more of a once-a-year event.

So, just a couple days ago, I made the trip to my friendly neighborhood Meijer to get the necessary supplies. When I made it home, I was just so excited, I decided to get started right then. So, in my kitchen I started to open the spray paint... now this can is very child-proof and is the kinda that requires a screwdriver to pop the top off... Well... that's when the situation gets a little hairy... In my attempt to remove to top with my trusty screwdriver, I apparently punctured a tiny little pin-sized hole in the actual can. Big deal, right? yes, yes it is... The incredibly combustible can of silver paint started hissing and spraying out all over my hands... arms... legs... kitchen floor.... so, what do I do?? I run... as fast as I can outside while trying to salvage the rest of the untainted kitchen floor, kitchen door, glass door, and deck... --all failed by the way... As I ran, I left behind a trail of silver and eventually just threw the hissing can over the side of the deck into the grass--where there is now a dead, silver patch of grass...

Who knew something so little could pack so much punch??

--and still leave me with silver freckles 4 days later???

Six days and counting...

So, all my days of sitting around lazily and doing a lot of nothing are rapidly catching up to me... Over the past 24 hours, I've been compiling a list of everything that has yet to be done before I make the drive to Georgia on Wednesday early morning....

I have a variety of different doctors appointments, bank trips, thrift store runs, the always fun trip to the Verizon store, duct tape to replace on my car :), a birthday party, more bank trips?, helping my mother with any number of tasks, any unexpected shopping for forgotten needed items, and all this without mentioning making time for some of my best friends, and of 

course--packing....

I have no idea how all of this is going to happen... and yet, still I'm sitting here blogging rather than using my time wisely and getting any of these things done... My need for procrastination never ceases to amaze me.

On a brighter note, my TOMS t-shirt was thrown on my front porch by the nice UPS

 man this morning :)

"Disclaimer: You will not win the Rat Race by wearing TOMS"

Well hello!

So, I've had one of these for a while, but only for me... my space to breathe, my space to think and put all my thoughts out there and accept them for myself... 

However, with this summer approaching in it's fullest force, and the idea of just about all my friends heading to far off places, I decided it was time to embrace a more public blog to keep everyone updated on what goes on in my life this summer.

For those of you who are unaware: At about 6 a.m. on June 10th, I'll be leaving to spend 6 1/2 weeks in Jasper, Georgia working at the Salvation Army camp there. Back in February, Sam and I threw around the idea of working a camp, but didn't really want to go to NEOSA where we already know 50% of the staff. So, we both started filling out application after application for camps in Florida, Texas, Colorado, Tennessee, Boston, and of course Georgia. Finally, during Easter break, we both got hired as counselors at Camp Grandview.

While I'm incredibly nervous for this experience, I'm even more excited!! I just want it to be here now! 

New place. New people. New experiences. Not to mention so many new opportunities.

I have no expectations, because I have no idea WHAT to expect. All I know are the amazing things that some of the returning staff have had to say... I'm sure I'll come home with some great stories... along with everyone else :)

I'll look forward to everyone's stories from PNG, Brasil, Adirondack Mountains, Kenya, Europe, Japan, and wherever else in the world my friends are ending up this summer. I love you guys.

"There are things that are known, and things that are unknown, and in between... there are doors..."